Underwear is Every Where but Mostly Underneath

I once taught a song to my children titled; Underwear is Every Where but Mostly Underneath. You can only hope that underwear will stay underneath and dry. Anyone who is a caregiver most likely will eventually be faced with the Depends dilemma. You will know when it is time when you are tired of seeing dirty underwear soaking in the sink. The Elder being cared for does not remember to do anything beyond dropping them in the sink and so it falls to you to determine washing machine or garbage. When the answer is mostly garbage, it is time. Going to Depends probably is seen as a step toward giving up independence. A person with dementia has a very difficult time understanding why they need to change what they are doing and will become angry when they look in their underwear drawer to see new and different underwear. Eventually they may forget about the “lost” underwear, but not without many slammed doors and temper outbursts and accusations about you and the stolen underwear.

Underwear is not always underneath as I found out one early morning when I went into my Mom’s room. It wasn’t light yet and when she sat up in bed, I saw something white on her head. I wondered where she got a hat and why she put it on. When I turned on the light and saw what it really was, I exclaimed, “Holy Shit, you have underwear on your head.” (I am not always the most diplomatic.) She replied, “I do?” as she felt her head. She didn’t know why she had it on her head. Maybe her head was cold and she thought it was a hat.

What the Hell!

PS: Remember as you read my ramblings. This is not really about my mother. It is about my experiences with the woman left here in her place.

SKUNKED!!

Me: Good Morning Mom

Mom: Can you smell me?

Me: (Hesitating. How do I reply to such a question?) No, why?

Mom: I got sprayed by a skunk. Can’t you smell it?

Me: Maybe it was a skunk that doesn’t smell very bad.

Mom: Don’t touch me. You will get skunk stink on you.

Me: It’s ok, I can wash it off. I will help you get to your chair.

Mom: I will get the stink on the chair.

Me: I will wash the blanket that is covering it.

Mom: Ok. (Helped her get to her chair.)

Me: I will get you some breakfast.

Mom: Thanks, but shut the bedroom door so the skunk stink won’t get in the rest of the house.

Me: Ok, I will be right back. Fortunately, when I returned the skunk and the smell were all gone.

What the Hell! What kind of a sick hallucination has an old lady sprayed with a skunk?

Note: Hallucinations can be a result of dementia, kidney failure or certain drugs or a combination of drugs prescribed to help certain conditions. I have learned to discuss what Mom thinks is happening as though real because regardless of what logical explaination I have she either gets more confused or agitated. In her world what she thinks is happening is very real.

Who Took My Cookies?

I am not a cookie thief! Although... I have been the main suspect in the disappearance of Mom's cookies on several occasions. The cookies never really existed in the first place but were very real to her. Cookies are serious business to a woman who explored various recipes over several years until she created the best mouth watering cookies ever. Much to my Dad’s delight, she always had freshly baked cookies around. No need to steal them. They were always plentiful. So it is logical that cookies would be one of the reoccurring hallucinations that are real to her.

” Where are the cookies the neighbors brought?”, Mom demanded as I entered the room. I had been home all day and knew for sure that no one brought cookies so I logically replied that she must have been dreaming because there were no cookies. This angered her because she was sure there were cookies and that someone took them. My evil twin then stated emphatically that no one would sneak into the house to steal her cookies. She was still not convinced.

More recently, I have learned that if she believes there are cookies, in her mind there are cookies. Last week I tried to make cookies from scratch using a recipe from her recipe box thinking that it would be a great little treat for her. They were a dismal failure. I guess it is not the recipe but the cook who loves cooking that makes all the difference. I continue to keep cookie dough in the refrigerator and when she wonders where the cookies are within 10 minutes, she has fresh cookies on a plate next to her chair. Problem solved.

Hell, I've Lived Long Enough!

Mom usually says this when she needs help showering or getting dressed. The conversation goes like this:

Mom: How old am I?

Me: 87

Mom: How old was my mother when she died.

Me: 87

Mom: That's old enough.

Me: Old enough for what?

Mom: Hell, I've lived long enough. It's time to die.

Me: If it was time, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Mom: Laughs

Basically the same conversation happens several times a week. She also once said that there should be a switch that could just be turned off when you are ready to die. My evil twin says, "Hell, Yes!"

The Dogs: Nicky and Musica

Mom loves her dogs! They have given her a reason to wake up in the morning when her body would appear to prefer to go to sleep and calmly pass over to the other side. They give her companionship and something to talk about when her world is getting smaller and smaller as a result of her disabilities. I sometimes wonder if her attachment to them is keeping her here...and the thinking of my evil twin is, "Hell, I shouldn't have encouraged her to get a dog after Dad died." (At times I will refer to my not so nice self as my evil twin. Of course, negative or irreverent thoughts and actions are that of my Evil Twin.)

Nicky: The Dog with the most toys wins. A few months after my dad passed away, Mom decided to get a dog. Not wanting to deal with a puppy, we searched for an adult dog and found little Nicky, a two year old Shih Tzu. We decided to go see him but planned to look around a bit before making a decision. As we entered the house, he ran to Mom and jumped up as if to say, "Please take me home." And so she did. Mom once again had someone to boss around and scold. He has turned out to be the best little dog. He is devoted to her, sleeps with her and spends much of the day sleeping at her feet. The rest of the day, he spends playing with the many toys my sister and I have bought him. He loves making whatever noise they make and taking them outside. He lines them up and lies by them, usually resting his little chin on one of them. He usually has 10-15 toys outside and a large supply in his toy corner. Mom scolds him and tells him not to take them outside. Of course, he ignores her and never brings them back in. That is my job.

Musica: The runaway rat terrier. Musica really belongs to my brother and his wife. She lived with them happily for at least 8 years. Then one day about 2 years ago, she decided to run away from home. She is a very small dog but can really jump. To escape from her yard into Mom's yard she has to scale a 4 foot gate. At first we tried everything to get her to stay home. I took her home, my brother would come to get her but she just kept coming back. After a few months of this, we gave up and let her stay. She sits by my Mom's side all day long and burrows under the covers to sleep with her at night. She guards her if strangers come in the house so we have to shut her in another room when the Hospice nurse or aide comes. She once bit a man who came to visit and reached out to shake Mom's hand. She comes to get me if Mom falls or has a problem. The downside of Musica is that she sheds white short hair, all over which I truly hate, but she is the best "Elder" dog ever and so she can stay as long as she wants. She has earned her spot in this house until she decides to leave. Both my good self and evil twin agree on this!

Attitude: Don't suck the life out of the people you come in contact with.

The other day I was in the waiting room at the dentist’s office. It was quiet and as pleasant as a dentist office can be. The receptionist was cheerful and friendly to everyone who came in creating a positive atmosphere. Well, as positive as a dentist office can be. While I was waiting, a man came in to pay his bill. When asked how he was doing, he replied, "Not so good." Every reply was negative. After his negative replies to all of her questions, it felt that all of the positivity was sucked out of the room and doom and gloom were left to fill the void.

One of the side effects of being a caregiver is discouragement, sadness, depression, anger, self doubt, etc. I fear that as I have shared information about what is happening in my world, at times it may have felt that I have sucked the very life out of anyone who listened. Although I try to infuse humor into difficult situations and hopefully that has served to put a more positive spin on my ramblings.

I am going to do my best to refrain from sucking the sunshine out of your day while continuing to share information on my experiences as a reluctant caregiver. Have a great day! You deserve it!

"We have a good family."

Often when Mom is able to fight through the mass of confusion that is now her brain, she will say, "We have a good family." She is absolutely right. Since I am writing the posts on this blog. It may sound like it is all about my sad experience with caregiving. We have the kind of family where this caregiving journey is about our collective contribution to doing the best we can for our Mother. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of my brothers lives next door. Ten years ago he chose to invite my parents to live next to him. He has been a wonderful support to them and handled all of the issues prior to my moving here by himself with occassional help from myself, my sister and my brother. My sister and other brother have always been very supportive and helped in any way they can. I am here because I had enough years in retirement systems that I could quit working and live on my retirement until I am free to do something else. All of my siblings are in crucial years in their careers. They need not feel bad that they are not physically here. Their support is shown in many ways. They both have flown here on numerous occasions to stay with Mom when my brother and I needed to be away. They have supported both financially and emotionally. We do have a good family because we had good parents. Thanks Mom and Dad. We love you where ever you are.